Saturday, September 1, 2012

Keepin' it Real

Lately, so many different thoughts have been going through my mind!  I have been itching to blog but haven't been able to find the time.  I entitled this blog "keepin it real" because I feel lately I really have been getting in touch with who I really am.  I have been trying to stay true to myself and to others; to be a true friend.  The longer I am sober, the more I realize that in the past I was trying to be so many things I was NOT.  And although certain things from my past will always make up a small part of who I am, I no longer am hiding behind a false identity or lifestyle.  I feel like I am finally getting in touch with the real me.  Life really is a process of self discovery.

The other day I picked up the guitar and played/sang some songs I had written about 10 years ago.  I felt great.  Then I turned on some Benny Benassi and danced for about an hour (9 months pregnant).  And then I cleaned and did some laundry and surfed some home design/organizational blogs.  But the best part of my day was that night when David and I read scriptures together and talked about faith.  This past week we were studying faith (both on our own), and then we discussed with each other what we had found at the end of the week.  It was one of the best/uplifting conversations I have had in a long time, and I am very thankful to be married to him.

Some of my recent epiphanies: 

A) I don't have to drink or do drugs to be creative OR HAVE FUN.

B) I can still dance and be sexy even though it may not be up in some club in Scottsdale.  Just for my husband. ;)

C) And I can most importantly be all the things that I am while still having the same faith and growing spiritually.  And ultimately, this is my rock; where my true happiness and peace resides.

I used to and still sometimes do worry that I won't be "accepted" or that I am different...especially at church. But the more and more I press forward and grow, I realize I am definitely different...and that's okay.  Other people are too...they just hide it better than I do. :)

I am a Martha Stewart rocker girl, with a sprinkle of gangsta and sarcasm, OCD gogo dancer ???, children loving, design loving, housekeeping loving, mother, & MORMON.

I make no sense.  Really, I KNOW.  But this is ME.  And for the first time in my life I feel like I am really starting to love myself for being WHO I AM.  And I mean that in a totally NON egocentric way.  So I am going to continue on in this "quest" of self discovery and also continue on "keepin it real."

Maybe I don't really make sense...even to myself sometimes.  But I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, knows me personally, and understands me better than I understand myself.  I am so grateful for this.  And for the opportunity to make changes in my life where they were necessary.  And for the unconditional loving husband I have been blessed with who held my hand the entire way (and still is).  Love ya babe!

Thursday, August 9, 2012

For Time & All Eternity

I think I am getting better at this whole blogging thing.  And I believe this is the first month that I will write more than one blog.  Not bad eh?  I figured I should take the time to write about our sealing that occurred on August 3rd 2012.  David, Emma, and I, that is.  

I will never forget the feeling nor the day.   Looking around the sealing room at everyone, my heart was full.  Full of love and joy.  That moment will forever be surreal in my mind.  Not that it matters anymore, but if anyone knows about my past or what David and I went through in the beginning of our relationship...this explains somewhat why it was SURREAL.  It took us time to get to the Temple.  But I knew it's where we needed to be.  I always did.  The fact that not only David and I were able to be sealed, but that Emma could be sealed to us?  That was the cherry on top!  I feel COMPLETE.  And despite what struggles may come into our lives, I feel as if I can face them almost with a certain calmness that I did not possess previously.  That day we made the highest covenants we would ever make.  Not till death do us part, but FOREVER.

Forever we will love, help, forgive, learn, and grow together.  Being honest and faithful ALWAYS.

Nevertheless, neither is the man without the woman, nor the woman without the man, in the Lord.
1 Corinthians 11:11  

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Kindergarten already? Say it aint so!

Today was very bittersweet.  I wanted to write a blog to express some of the feelings I felt today as my baby became a big girl officially.  I had a feeling I would cry, but I did not expect to bawl like a baby as the bus drove away. 

Emma was so excited!  This made me happy and I held back all my apprehension and tears so she would not see me upset.  I was the only mom who actually got on the bus to make sure everything was all gravy.  Yes, I am "THAT MOM."  Then as I turned around to walk away the tears started to flow.  I raced to my car and proceeded to follow the bus to the school where I parked along the street and raced out to watch her get off the bus.  Then I made sure she knew where to line up with her teacher.  As I walked away from the school the tears started a flowin' again.  I don't know if it's because I am 8 months pregnant and my hormones are raging, but this mama was a WRECK! 

Emma after getting off the bus at 
Wilson Elementary.

A lot of thoughts ran through my mind.  How did it go by this fast?   Would Emma be okay?  Did she miss me?  Was she going to cry?  I didn't want her to miss me. I just wanted her to be okay and make friends and have fun.  I came home to silence and realized even more how much I missed her.  I know I will get used to it, but for whatever reason, this transition seems hard for me.  

From birth we swaddle, cuddle and are continually trying to develop a closeness with our children only to have to "let go."  I know I can still cuddle her and play with her and spend time with her.  But I know that this stage of having to somewhat let go is just the first of many more to come.  But I don't want to talk about that right now.  Because cuddled up next to me right now is my Bug. 

When she got off the bus this afternoon, her eyes lit up as she yelled "mommy" and ran into my arms!  I felt so much joy and was so proud of her.  And I was so excited to go home and eat milk and cookies and talk about her first day at Kindergarten!

Bittersweet?  Yes indeed!  I think this afternoon when Emma ran off the bus might be second to the joy I felt when they placed her in my arms for the first time in the hospital.  I remember I held her close and kissed her warm forehead.  Never have I felt so much joy and love in my entire life.  

Baby Bug.

Friday, July 27, 2012

A little of this, a little of that!

Life has settled down a little bit (for the time being).  A lot of big changes are coming into our lives in the next few months.  First of all, Emma starts Kindergarten on August 8th.  I am really excited for her, but can't help but feel like my little best friend is being taken away from me.  As she matures and has learned to help me and talk to me on a different level (because she is not a baby anymore)...I really enjoy her and I hanging out and having girl time and "girl talks" at night before bed.  She is such an awesome daughter and I am so thankful to have her and be her mommy!   Her humor and wit catch me off guard sometimes.  She always makes me laugh.  A couple recent things she has come out with:

In the car one day, I said "Emma, why are you so cute?"  And she says "Mommy, I'm not cute, I'm PRETTY."  Seriously?  haha.  I think I tell her she's pretty quite a bit.

Another thing she said strolling into the bathroom one day while I was getting ready is: "Helllooo ROCHITT!"  lmao.  This CRACKED me up!!  It's an inside joke within family and my sister Lindsay calls me "Rochitt"...but to hear Emma say it just cracked me up.  I love her silly smile and face expressions and cheeks and mannerism's.  I think I am just obsessed with my child.  Nothing wrong with that right?  


As Emma heads off to Kindergarten, perfectly timed (but not at all on purpose) is the entry of baby boy Caellum into the world.  Due date is currently September 22nd, but I think I will not go that long.  Pleeease don't let me go that long.  As much as I am beyond grateful for being blessed with children and being a mother...this summer has been KILLER for my last trimester.  Let's just say I am sweating in places I did not know I could sweat.  Enough said.  

After being settled into our new place I have been hard at work on preparing baby Caellum's room.  We have it painted and the crib all set up!  Accessorizing his bedroom will come along in a little while (my favorite part!!!)  But because we will have him in the bassinet in our bedroom for a few months I am trying not to rush.  REALLY TRYING!  You see, I like to have things DONE.  And sometimes I can get a little impatient.  My father always told me patience is a virtue.  I am trying to improve on this, and luckily I have a very patient husband (very lucky).  Here is a picture of Caellum's crib and the rocking armchair/ottoman in his room (theme is mod owls):

And while I am on pictures of the new place, here is princess Emma's room:

Aaaannd here are the bookshelves I refinished.  Painted and antiqued with asphaltum glaze:

So that is that.  Okay, another thing that occurred recently was the celebration of Emma's 5th birthday on July 1st!  We had some family/friends over and went swimming/ate pizza (Emma's favorite), had cake and ice cream and obviously opened presents! Here are a couple pictures from the celebration:


David and I also celebrated our 1 year anniversary on July 21st!  No pictures, but my sis Linds and her hubs Scotte watched Em while we went to dinner and a movie!  We saw Spiderman and it was actually really good.  Oh, and David got me roses.  It was nothing extravagant, but simple.  Life is good simple. :D

Among the many important events coming up is the MOST IMPORTANT.  David, Emma, and I will be sealed for time and all eternity in the Mesa, AZ Temple at 6pm on August 3rd.

Words cannot describe how excited we are for this sacred experience.  All of David's family is flying in to Arizona and we are so thankful for all the love and support we have from them. xo

David starts back at school on September 4th.  I am really excited for him!  He has officially deemed me his assignment/study time scheduler.  Seriously?  haha.  That's okay.  I am a pretty organized individual, and I figure when the time comes that he finishes PA school (4-5 years from now) we will feel like it was a major team effort.  Love you babe!

And since this is the longest blog ever, I figure I will squeeze in some other little memory that I don't want to forget.  That is enjoying watching David play with Em.  Specifically... their  game called "THE POOP QUEEN."  Don't ask.  haha.  I don't really know what the game is about.  All I know is David and Emma go around with pink headbands and fake wands...taking turns being the poop queen.  Very interesting.  I think if someone could be a fly on the wall within our home they would be dying from laughter.  We are all pretty weird, but I love it that way!  I love these two so much and am so happy I have the opportunity to be with them forever.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Beyond grateful and sooo excited!!!

So I decided I would share the wonderful things that have fallen together in the last couple weeks.  I cannot express how overwhelmingly grateful I feel today in thinking about how blessed we are.  Last week we were officially approved to move into a new place.  This was officially done without David having his "official" job offer(s) yet.  The lady at the front office of the apartments was so nice and literally took a leap of faith.  So that was the first thing that made me feel good (knowing we had a place to move/live).  And it is a 3 bedroom, so Emma and Caellum can have their own rooms.  

Second thing that happens is David gets a call today that he got the job as a videographer for lawyer depositions.  It is part-time but pays $30 an hour...which means David attending school full time (online) this Fall is totally doable.  He also could work for Wells Fargo (his good friend works in HR for the Phoenix district) but it would be hard working 40 hours a week and going to school full time + a new baby.  The past two months have been hard because I am pregnant, David has been unemployed and we did not know where we were moving.  I get strong impressions that we are moving where we are supposed to and David is going to be working where he is supposed to.  

So we are moving June 30th.  Emma's birthday is July 1st.  And our sealing date is set for August 3rd.  Sheesh!  And I thought this was going to be a relaxing summer.  Little did I know!  I feel like our faith and patience has been tested a lot these past months.  I have to thank my family and friends who have been supportive and helped us (you know who you are).  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

So the past few days I have been busy packing and cleaning. I even managed to squeeze in refinishing some bookshelves.  These shelves were given to us.  Initially they had dated 80's molding which David tore off and we painted the outside frame and shelves black.  They were going in the bedroom, so with all the books/accessories we kind of hid that they were...well, crappy.  I decided to bust out some paint and antiquing glaze and make them even crappier looking (but somehow they look better) hehe.  Shabby/chic and ready to be out in the living room in the new place!!  Here are some pictures...
Okay, EW.  David started painting the sides already, but do you see the lovely over spray inside from the black spray paint?  I wish I had a picture when they were all brown with the rounded 80's molding.
This is in the process of painting while I start freaking out because it looked white.  But everyone knows paint dries differently.  It is a really pale pale blue that ended up looking great with the antiquing glaze/distressing.
Wala!  My camera is crappy and really alters the color.  They look a tad more blue in person.  But I love how they turned out!  I was nervous because I had never used the glaze before.  Notice the weathered look it gave it?  And I added some along the edges to give the distressed look.  I can't wait to accessorize/add books to this piece!  Now I want to do more! :)

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Life by the yard is hard; by the inch it's a sinch!

This is me.  
Currently Pregnant.  
Although, I am a little larger now! :)

Yeah, I haven't been making time to blog.  Life has been, YES...crazy busy.  With David trying to find a different job AND thinking about where we would like to move in the next couple months, AND getting ready for baby boy Caellum, AND getting David registered for school.....this pregnant mama had to take a step back and BREATHE.  So much for thinking we were going to stay put here, or move to Idaho for that matter.  It's funny how God has an entirely different plan going on.  As we continue to move forward and make decisions, we definitely have felt the Lord's guiding hand in our life.  Although everything is not figured out completely, there are a few things that seem to feel right at this point.

First and foremost: we are going to be moving to Mesa/Gilbert.  Somewhere in the Ellsworth/Higley/Power Rd area.  I have been wanting to head out that way for awhile and really want Emma in Gilbert School District when she starts Kindergarten this Fall.  David is going to finish his undergraduate degree through Rio Salado and ASU East Campus and then apply to Physician Assistant School!  These are the two things that feel very right at this point.  Four more years of school is going to be rough, but so worth it!  I am very proud of him for deciding upon this pathway.  At first I thought he was just throwing the idea out there, but it feels pretty meant to be at this point.  And he is dead set on it now.  So here we GO!

Life is never easy.  And although sometimes it seems overwhelming...these are the moments that we will always remember.  Struggling through makes you so grateful, does it not?  I am sure many would agree with me.  I am so thankful for everything I have in my life.  I feel overwhelmingly blessed to be where we are at right now.  I think of so many times when things seemed absolutely hopeless [before I met David].  But I know that many things from my past developed me into a much stronger individual.  I don't cower away and feel like "I can't" anymore.  All I want now is to persevere and get 'er done son! haha. ANYWAY!  I will finish off this blog with another lovely quote.  I just love quotes! :)

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Busy Times!

Well, I have decided that maybe I should get some use out of my blog.  Life has been so busy lately, but I really want to try and make time to bloggitty blog!  So here goes, David and I were married on July 21st 2011. A couple months later we moved to this downtown condo.  So now we are here.  I have been in school full-time last semester and now, and David has been working a ton.  I LOVE living here.  We live in the heart of downtown Phoenix right next door to the Children's Museum.  Emma has lots of fun there!

A couple months ago I found out I was pregnant!  I am sooo excited to have another baby.  Although, being in school during my first trimester has not been the easiest.  Emma just got her name drawn and can attend ASU Preparatory Academy this fall for Kindergarden.  It is right up the street from us (not even a 1/2 mile from where we live).  It is such a blessing because I did not know where she could attend school downtown.  This weekend, my sister Lindsay, David, and I will be taking out our Endowments.  And next weekend Lindsay will be sealed to her fiance Scotte for time and all eternity!  We are so excited for them! 

And then this summer, David, Emma and I will be sealed in the Temple.  I will be about 7 months pregnant. :)  It is going to be great!  Throughout these busy times I have managed to keep up on my c r e a t i v i t y.  Last week I spruced up the table arrangement and was pretty proud of my work!  Now I want to do more.  So if anyone is interested in having me decorate or do a flower arrangement for them, let me know!!  Here is the one I made:

I have been starring at this all week, lol.  It makes me realize how much I miss designing things!  I have a project coming up I am way excited for! After this semester is over we are going to paint the shelves white in Emma's room.  They are huge, dark, and from floor to ceiling.  I am then going to alternate baskets in different shelves with different pops of color that I decide to paint the baskets.  And then in a large open square above the smaller ones I am going to make a "butterfly garden."  It is kinda' hard to explain now, but we already got these flowers to help with the design for the garden.  Emma is so excited!  On top of that we have the baby's half of the room to get ready.

I am going to try and blog more on updates with the McKernan family!  Until next time...much love!! :)